I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
