I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
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