im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
