You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize