i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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