I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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