There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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