apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
