Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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