I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
