Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I DEMAND FORESKIN
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
