Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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