the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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