ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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