i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
