You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
