yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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