Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish you could order shots online.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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