I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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