I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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