Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
