Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
bring money and cleavage
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
