I just saw a hot homeless man
i love accidental penises.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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