Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
