Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
