your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
