dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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