I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
