Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
