3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
