Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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