plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm getting married
To pizza
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
