I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
