Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
