There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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