Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize