my mouth tastes like poor choices
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize