she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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