There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
