you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
