who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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