How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
