In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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