talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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