are you still at the devil's house?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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