well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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