matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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