Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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