I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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