my vag is so smooth its legendary
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
