can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
