i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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