Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
