as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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