Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
