Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
