slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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