I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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