I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's Friday. Sex?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
