you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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