I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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