drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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