he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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