I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
