i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
